judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.