If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
You Might Also Like
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My birthstone is kidney
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Going to church you guys need anything
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.