Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
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INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.