[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
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People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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