Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
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GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?