It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
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WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
and this one
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”