I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age