Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩