HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
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“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
S O O N
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
shit just got real
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Why are bridges so flammable.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs