Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
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Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.