teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
this chia pet tastes awful
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.