Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.