When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
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I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
The absolute effort that went into this omg
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie