Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
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I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
This kid is a star!
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.