Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
dutch is not a serious language
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears