I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
some Old Testament wisdom
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.