I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.