It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
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Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
The Sun
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying