Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
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Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”