‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
You Might Also Like
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Hey Fugeddaboutit
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
LMAO
can’t talk my ride’s here