On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.