I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
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you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…