This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
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A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
why would tinder want me to say this
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!