Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
You Might Also Like
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.