As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
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The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Phonetics
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?