Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
You Might Also Like
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
NOT all policemen are strippers.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?