Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Awesome parenting 😂
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”