so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Forever 21… pounds overweight
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*limbos away from your hug*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers