Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.