GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“I FIXED IT!”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.