[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.