NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there