Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT