Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
This did not end as expected.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy