Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
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I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night