too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My therapist after every session
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.