*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
do what now??
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Go girl power!
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.