Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
You Might Also Like
something like this could probably happen to anyone
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
wtf is an acronym
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.