Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
*bites zombie*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Every haunted house movie:
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.