I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish