i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!