I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
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I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
The honesty is refreshing
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave