There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
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“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
BETRAYAL
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I thought this was funny lol
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.