Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
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Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.