People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
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I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.