You Might Also Like
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
my first day as a raccoon
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION