You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
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My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..