Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I was up all night reading about insomnia
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.