The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
You Might Also Like
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Rather alarming headline…
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
paddle faster i hear baby shark
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal