I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.